Spirituality and Coming to Terms
With the End of
Life
The Caregiver's Role
Death is a part of the circle of life. It should not be viewed as a failure. As people near death, they tend to evaluate how they have lived their lives. For some it causes anguish; for some, there are no regrets.
As a caregiver to someone who is dying, you have a dual role. You will be exploring your own concept and beliefs about death and what lies beyond and, you will be helping your family member come to terms with the reality of his or her situation. Allow yourself and your family to talk about death and dying. It is a part of the life cycle. It can be prolonged, but not avoided. Talk about the fears, your beliefs about what will happen to the family member after he or she dies, how your family member wants to be remembered and how he or she wants the process to happen. Through these conversations, you should come to understand what is important and what is not.
Often, people who are dying wish to make amends for perceived hurts and transgressions. Sometimes this means apologizing to specific friends or family and asking for forgiveness. Sometimes it means simply talking about what has happened in life and how they wish they had done things differently. For those who have no regrets, they often want to encourage others to mend fences and build bridges of understanding and compassion and love.
As a caregiver to a dying loved one, one of the most loving things that you can do is to allow for this type of healing and expression. It may be difficult for you to hear. But, this release of the past will help your family member to go in peace.
If this process is not allowed to happen and the physical body is ready to go, the person may try to hold on to life with the hope of finding resolution. This is physically hard on the person and it is very difficult for loved ones to watch.
A spiritually peaceful death occurs when the body is ready and the spiritual/emotional part of the person feels reconciled and resolved. As a caregiver, you can facilitate the peaceful resolution of death by being open, listening, being sympathetic and compassionate. Each person must come to terms with him or herself before they die. If this occurs in a peaceful and non-threatening environment, everyone benefits.
If you are the son or daughter of a parent who is dying, your parent may be ready to go but he or she hangs on solely for you. Your parent wants to make sure you are going to be alright. If you can find it in your heart and beliefs to acknowledge the love and let go, your parent won't have the stress that comes from holding on. Tell your mom or dad that it is OK to go. It is a wonderful parting gift that you can give.
Remember that these conversations can ease the transition for both of you. See them as healing and as a catalyst for transforming fear into peace.
If your family cannot manage these discussions or your family member becomes depressed, seek professional assistance and/or the help of a minister, chaplain, or rabbi. Discuss the issue with the patient's doctor. If hospice is involved, be sure to talk to the nurse so that help can be arranged. Perhaps your family member has a trusted friend. Maybe he or she would talk about the fears and disappointments with this friend. Any remedy is acceptable as long as your family member gets help with dealing with the myriad of emotions common near the end of life.
The Chalice of Repose Program
 Epiclesis, © Barbara Helen Berger, 1978 |
This program offers delivery of "prescriptive" music
at the end of life. A professional music-thanatologist will play
the harp and attend to the patient's spiritual needs by means of
a vigil. The experience is not intended to be a bedside concert;
but, it is intended to intimately touch the deepest spiritual needs
of the patient and any attending family members. There is a cost
for the service. Some hospitals and hospice organizations contract
with a music- thanatologist. |
